It Doesn't Matter

It was a perfect night only with my own imperfections,
We stood high, gazing across the rock palate,
The view was absolute,
My feelings.... were fairly good.

As the night sighed its cool and comforting breeze,
We fell in closer as we have never been,
Yet I feel there's barrier between us,
Almost an invisible gap.

Could it be me?
Could it be you?

My heart sure skipped a beat as reality injected its poison,
While fantasy remained my temporary morphine,
I wanted so much for this time to stop,
This sin is so insanely pure and divine,
So powerful I couldn't decline.

But I knew each time these fairytale thoughts sunk in,
I was wasting more time dwelling in my own despair,
Than letting you know all these felt within,
Until you silently reached out for my hand,
I knew it didn't matter anymore.

It didn't matter when you have to leave
It didn't matter how you're going to leave
It didn't matter you will leave me again and again
I know I have found what I have been searching..

I found Love in you.

Love is then real but it often never lasts...
Again this time, I'm choosing Pride over Love

But if you are reading this now
I know you'll get your answer
Who is it all along?

For the time to come
It doesn't matter how painful when I think bout tonight
It doesn't matter how awful I am going to feel
It shall remind me of my once loving feeling.. for You.

Just another piece of self-poetic-literature..
By Me.

That Momento

Haven't been writing again lately. Outta my mind, outta every single words.

Too many times, I find myself saying too much of the things that not necessarily to be made known.
Too many times, I find myself not saying that simple little things that you ought to know.

I wonder, what is the cost of my ego
I wonder, what is the price of my pride
Or was it you?
That I could never afford.

If I were to be back at that moment
Back at that same right place
I would trade my deceptive smile for real tears
I would trade my composed sentences for a hug of cherish
Just to let you know
There was pain beyond this facade.

Too Shy To Ask, Too Proud To Lose

HER POINT OF VIEW- My Best Friend's Wedding.

It was his wedding day. As I finished giving final touches to my mild makeup, my thoughts flew back to my old school days. The first time I met him, he was just another face in the crowd. We met occasionally through common friends and soon, we became good friends. He never spared a chance to irritate me, which was not very difficult for me too. We always ended up fighting and patching up the next day only to fight again. 2 years flew by but nothing changed. Our friends knew we were very close and teased us incessantly. We would blush but still continue fighting, hoping that the fight would conceal my blush.

Everyday I would wait impatiently for him to come, even walking passed my class. If I didn't see him for even a day my heart would not be in whatever I do. I would roam around listlessly. I attributed it to the fact that I did not have my daily quota of fights and patch ups. We grew up together in the 2 years, but as time went by we became more aware of our friends making fun of the usual gossip about us. I was too shy to ask, and too proud to lose. I realised then that I slowly reduced our fights and spent less and less time together.

Graduation Day finally rolled its red carpet to us. In the midst of sharing the excitement, he came to me and said he was leaving to another city for his tertiary. And he paused for a long quiet moment. I tried to read what was in his mind and God, I swear that Einstein's equation were much easier to understand than a guy's mind. The beating of my heart dropped as I held my breath when I heard him said, "I'm leaving tomorrow."

I had always taken it for granted that I could see him whenever I wanted to. For the first time I realized how much he meant to me. All our friends were there to say goodbye at the airport. I wanted to say so much, but I didn't know how to convey my feelings. Even if I knew, that was too late for me to patch up this time. He gave all of us a tight hug and as he crossed the security checkpoint, I realized at that moment that he meant more to me than anything else. He was my best friend but I also realized, I had unknowingly, unconsciously fallen in love with him. I looked as he disappeared into the thick crowd. I felt a sudden pain in my heart that had never been felt, before.

But he was gone. There was not a day, not an hour when I didn't think of him. My friends realized something was amiss, as they had never seen me so silent and so lost in thoughts. When they found out the reason, they felt it was just a crush and that it would go away. Some suggested finding out his whereabouts, but I didn't want them to. I was happy to be in love. I didn't want to think that there were two possibilities, he might love me or he might not. I was happy that I was in love and it was just beautiful.

There were times when I would miss the sharing, the companionship, and the sweet nothings that people in love felt and enjoyed. My love was one sided but it was love nevertheless. He was always there in my thoughts and what better companionship can I ask for? Time flew. I went to university and then to work. Through the years I heard bits and pieces of news about him. I heard he was abroad, studying. And then I heard he was in love.

My heart broke before it was even healed. The rational side of me knew that since I had never told him how I felt, I should accept what happened today. As much as I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I would spend the whole day putting up a smiling face for the people around me, and fall into my bed, tears streaming down my face , just like the first night he was gone.

I realized I had to face the truth. He was my first love and would always be, but I realized life has much more to offer than just an old school crush. I wanted to move on, be happy and maybe meet someone whom I would love and who would love me. Surprisingly, fate decided to help me in its own way. I met his mom by chance and she promptly invited me for his wedding. I realized the only way to come to terms would be to actually go for his wedding. I knew, once I see him happily married, I could and would get over it. I came back to the present with a start, as my mobile phone rang. It was my friend asking me out for a movie. I told him I was going to a marriage to meet a long lost friend and hung up. I was ready, to face the reality.


HIS POINT OF VIEW- My Best Friend at My Wedding

I just came out of the shower. The new suit was lying on the bed. It was a memorable day for me, my wedding day. I was getting ready when my mother entered the room and told me that my friends had come and they were waiting to see me in the hall. I just glanced through the window and I could see all my friends chatting n laughing, people who had been with me through my thick n thin. Out of the many old faces, then I saw her, an angel, and my best friend. She looked really beautiful, had put on some weight, n carried the cute little smile that I always admired. I slowly started traversing back, memories started pouring in, and it has been a long eight years since I last saw her.

I first met her in school when we were all waiting in the school hall for the students administrator to divide us into classes. She was sitting at the row, directly in front of me. She was cute, shy and a bit funny too. We occasionally met through some of our common friends. Slowly, she became a part of my life. We used to have lunch together, gossiped around, and made fun of the teachers and those were the moments when we felt that nothing existed beyond us in the entire universe.

She used to wait for me when I had special classes and pretend that she was revising for the test that was no where near than 2 months away. Life was so much of fun. No day ended without fighting and patching up. At times, there was nothing to talk, but still I craved to talk. That's when I used this weapon of fighting. She was quite adamant, never gave up so quickly, and I enjoyed every moment of those precious times when we fought and argued and then patched up. There were times when our friends teased us of a growing affinity, something beyond friendship. I pondered about it at times, but she was very quick to dismiss it every time. I slowly started realizing that we were made for each other. But I was to shy to ask, and too proud to lose.

But, fate had other ideas. My father got a transfer and he had tertiary plans laid out for me and my family had to move to a new city in a short notice, as soon as after Graduation. The day arrived at the airport and I expected her to say a lot. I was looking into her eyes, trying to read what's going on in her mind, realized at that moment, Einstein's equations were much easier to understand than what was going on in a girl's mind. She never uttered a single word, just said a good-bye and best of luck. And the boarding announcement broke the silence. I gave her a tight hug, wishing her to at least give me a hint of reassurance. She did not.

She never contacted me after that. I joined college and went abroad for my further studies. I always made sure that she knew what I was doing and where I was through our common friends, hoping against hope that someday she would realize the love for me hidden in the deep cavities of her heart, and she would say those words which I longed to hear for years. But it never happened. She finished her education and later she joined a reputed software company. I slowly started accepting the fact that I was not the kind of guy she would like to spend her life with.

In the meanwhile, I met a girl who fell deeply in love with me. Knowing the pain of an unfulfilled love, I accepted her proposal, and our marriage got fixed. But, I wanted to see my angel at least once again in my life. I asked my mother to pass on the invitation to her; somehow I strongly felt that she would surely turn up for my wedding.

There was a thud sound and I came back to reality. She was still sitting there and laughing, maybe to one of the jokes cracked by my friends. I knew at that moment, mine was not a lost love; it will always be there in my heart. If it was there for eight years, it will last forever, till I reach my grave. Just that we had to move ahead in life, in different directions. My wife put her hands around mine, and I walked her towards my friends and there, my angel. I was ready, to face my reality.

Marley and Me

I tot it was a romance comedy. I mean.. it is, a romance comedy but only with a sad ending :( I'm a sad ending kinda freak anyways.. but that was too much to bear. Marley... I couldn't hold back my tears and they started streaming out at the last 30 minutes of the show.

*Heaven. A gateway to hope. Just like a feeling I need, it's no joke.*

I wish the world would just stop moving so fast. That the Sun is not rising in a couple of hours from now. Watching how peaceful is Mikey, sleeping like a little baby under my blanket now :) He loves the air cond :) Just like Marley, Mikey will leave me someday. I try not to think of it right now. I shouldn't.

Some Words Best Kept Unsaid

There's a question that will never have an answer,
It isn't because there is none,
But how can one answer to a question when.. either way,
It kills at least one life.

Keep running, keep chasing,
It isn't the shoe that I fear tearing,
Nor the burn in my lungs I fear feeling,
But it is the gap I fail filling,
A speed I fail catching,
Look back~ I am already falling.

There are times,
I wish it never started,
Yet, there are times,
I'm glad it once happened... but either way,
There's one heart remained unopened.
Yours or mine?

Frozen.

Perhaps,
There's one life to kill- let it be mine,
Perhaps,
There's a race to go- I choose to see you win,
But I plead this time- it's my heart to be left unopened,
For I am too modest to show you,
My no where near to perfection,
A bleeding heart with cuts and wounds.

-tung hing-

Where's The Love

Maybe you can call me a pessimist or maybe, you might think that I'm over exaggerating. Certainly, I'm not a desperado but I can't help but to wonder... does true love exists after all??

Well, it's not fair to summarize the whole story of that MEN are always the culprits behind the failure of a relationship. There are good ones for sure out there, perhaps somewhere but obviously they are neither plenty nor abundant but just a handful of them. But to be exactly honest, the MEN I have met so far in my life, lets just say that they are those people who sometime ago played a very big part in my life... had let me down the most. My Dad for instance. Still until today, I'm being let down...

You may think that I'm speaking nonsense over here but I can't help it. None of you have walked in my shoes, perhaps you won't have any idea of how much all this hurts and the despair it causes. It's hard to swallow the fact that someone changes drastically in front of you. Especially someone you once looked up to and highly trusted, people around you telling how lucky of you to have someone like that close to you. And came one day where everything changed in a blink of an eye. You don't even have the chance to keep track of when and how things happened but zoop! The world seems like it's rotating in the opposite way.

Don't get me wrong if I speak like I'd been in Love a hundred times but to look at how many unfruitful relationships and marriage failures among the members of my own family is enough to get me really wary of being in Love. Sometimes, I do try very hard to convince myself that I'm just being unlucky to have to go through all these. Perhaps things will change with time, not all relationships are that deadly but the fact is, I'm seeing more and more and more broken relationships, each seconds and minutes as I grow. How am I not supposed to think this way when the things I see in front of my eyes are happening for real??? Especially when I had once walked through that miserable times, I... pretty much have lost some faith.... yea, I did.

"I rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else".. this phrase still lingers in my mind sometimes, someway, somehow. I can proudly say, it's just purely rubbish.

When I attended a wedding ceremony last night, when I looked at how the bride and bridegroom crossed their arms and sipped their drinks, I can't help but to wonder that, would there be any chance for this romantic scene in another 3 or 5 or maybe 2 years to come?? My Mum had always told me that, marriage resembles a gamble for a girl. If she is married for good then wholahay~ but if it's the other way round, then it's just too bad. She had also said that, marriage is perhaps the last step or an ending to a great love story though many people think it's just the beginning. Well, I can't doubt her words since she had one greatest nightmare with my Dad. And my sister who had quite a similar experience in her 9 years relationship that ended for good in the end too. She said that, if only she had gotten married, she would end up like my Mum too.

Well, it doesn't matter how long it takes for someone to change. Does the idea of a few decades of marriage will secure a human's heart? Came a real story I was only told sometime ago, someone related to my family of cuz and I'm just too sick to even mention who he is. Well, sometime ago, everyone in my family was praising how loyal and a great husband he was. He had a huge children clothing business and how lucky was his wife to be able to marry an ideal man like him. Every women in the house can't do anything better than praising her with envious. But then, came last year where he had met a new woman in his life and he totally shut his wife out of his door. He stopped her allowances for the family, no more credit cards, refused to pay for her insurances and even kicked her butt out of the factory and get the taukeh niao position substituted by the FAT mistress. The wife's soul was really tormented apart and it's really saddening to hear about how she coped with that. She was with him from a zero and now that he's a hero, she's not the heroin :P Now I know why the last new year they came in different trips, not exactly like years ago. What is Love in the end of the day?? All fired up at first then to wait for the flame to slowly diminish?? What is marriage then, I wonder.

Obviously, there might be some of you who oppose what I just reviewed but I'm just writing based on my personal thoughts and experiences. Well, you guys should be lucky that this never happened in your lives. Or shall I say, yet???

Whatever it is, life carries on isn't it? Just be prepared that's all. When someone really changes, to me I learnt that, it's no use of going hysterical and pounce on him/her for clarification. 1001 excuses tell u the same thing, feelings changed. If this can happen to anyone, it can happen to everyone too. At least you know, you're not the only person in this world who suffer in the ToRtUrE ChAmBeR of Love.

I L.O.V.E This Song!

Yay!!!!!!!!!! Finally I found this song from Youtube!
Trust me, it's nice! So so nice!
Faster play it!!!!
But of cuz, Taiwanese Hokkien dialect is slightly different as compared to ours, but if you can catch what it means, it sings a very lovey-dovey meaning!
You see, when you follow this kinda long winded drama, as in 500-600 episodes over 2 years, from a zero u can become a hero!
On top of everything, I like the music!

Enjoy!
p/s : Siew Lay and Kah Whai, I know you guys like this song too! :P



Sometimes in life, I feel it's pretty heavy to keep everything to myself. The dilemma speaks when no matter how much I wanna unload, I just know I can't.
It's amazing that sometimes, there are songs that sing out my blues.
Grass is always greener on the other side. It looks easy to live on others shoes rather than ourselves, but it's not, as a matter of fact.
Diamonds are ugly stones before being processed.
In live, we use to judge on how the surface looks like but do we ever care what's the story behind?
It's not easy to be you what more to say about me?
Questions of live are hard to be answered, or maybe there's none at all.
Life after all is all about day and night, tears of joy and despair, hours of real life drama, earning and spending money and rest in peace in the coffin soon after that!
I know what I'm waiting for tomorrow to be done but do I know what is waiting for me tomorrow?
Am I given an allowance of making some mistakes?
Sometimes, it pays a big price for being naive and ignorant.
But I've learnt. It takes my whole lifetime to pay for this price.
I won't walk into such gray places, ever again.
At times, wisdom and maturity come by with regretful mistakes. And time is the only factor.
I'm counting each of the days, and I'm still counting.
Sometimes, you need a view from a third party telling you what kinda person you are.
What I am in the eyes of others??
Am I more than just a voice???
My reflections in the mirror tell me limited things.
It's hard to live up expectations. So hard.
Especially my own.


Do not go where the angels fear to thread :)