Well, I believe that for those of you who had been to
Langkawi last week would know what I mean by randomness of life. Aih, life is indeed random. Somethings happened, somethings come and go. But somethings stay forever.
Obviously, recalling the night of randomness kinda send a chill to my spine as, the situation is like no one expected it, what more to say about myself which now, I still feel a little bit feeling of awkwardness. To say things out of random. To do things out of random. To get too emotional out of random. But then everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Someday they might want to confess, but some prefer to conceal it forever, in another words, lying to themselves forever :)
I've been thinking alot since I came back last Friday. About new friends made and about good old friends drifted apart cuz of studies. I began to ask myself. What makes up my life??? I ponder quite a long time finally I found the answer. It is the past that makes up the
Tung Hing today.
At around 5.30 p.m today, as I was about to declare another day from my office suddenly my there was a message beep from my handphone. Call it intuition.. call it a 6th sense, call it psychic power but I somehow felt that strong sense it must be that person, and no other. True enough, my LCD screen showed .... new message from...
Yu Yu.
You see I'm not a lesbian :) But then I don't know what is better than having a friend that cooked spaghetti and offered to send it up to your house for you. And it was not a bad idea, as we can have some catch ups after these few months of crazy workload. No matter how much I treasure this friendship but I'll never thought of squeezing her or liking her to call me a slut FYI :D
After the dinner and some blog hopping, we decided to have a pillow talk. Kinda early actually for that as it was only 9.30 p.m then. LOL!
I've been talking about my insecurities in life to a few of my friends, maybe briefly and not entirely. But I guess no one knows it best other than my best buddy, Yu Yu. And thank you so much for being there again when I need a word of encouragement :) To think through it again, our friendship had gone through both good and stormy weather and sometimes I do feel like a failure especially when in times you need a friend, I was not there but I do remember you being there everytime I'm holding on a rope. Maybe I always think I'm the most unlucky and emo person in the world not knowing, life is fair and square :) Everyone has their own problem. Friends forever alright :) (I still don't think I would wanna squeeze you or call you slut though even I love this frienship lots! :P)
you're the left one and i'm on the right... hahaha!
I kept asking myself, throughout this 20 years of my life in this world. What did I gain and what did I lose. Well, I gained alot obviously but then I also lose a lot, and there are somethings in life you can't lose. There's only one and last time and that's when feeling of regretness slip in. There were some moments in my life where I lost my senses and I did somethings that was not myself, maybe it was myself but then I was too naive then. And now I taste the taste and feel the feel and it does bring some kinda damage to my mind, mentally. Like the feeling of traumatised you get it? Maybe you won't :)
But then I'd been telling myself, past is past. No matter how much you regretted doing something, it's 100% impossible for me to turn back the time and make amendments. The best I realise I can do is still, realise my mistake, suck it up, feel all nasty feelings I deserve to feel and most importantly not to repeat the same old mistake. It's a lifetime promise to myself, not to repeat same old mistake ever again in my life. But then, the fact is I did a mistake and I wonder do those people that sincerely regretted their actions in the past deserve a second chance in life if they are willing to repent and start anew? Would you give a second chance???
Well, I still find it hard to forgive myself at times but I'll keep trying. I do not hope for everyone to understand this shit I'm blogging now but as I said, what matters to me after all is for those who are dear to me understand me and perhaps.. dunno. I just don't want to hide in my past anymore but then, it's easier said than done la.
I know you guys must be feeling very confused, puzzled and curious about what shits I am blogging this time around but then there are somethings best kept unsaid. But if someday if it gets its way out also then it's called fate and destiny.
I've been asking my friends, asking in my dreams, asking the mirror mirror hanging on the wall that does God love me? I did emphasized before I was cornfused but then now not anymore :) It's confirmed. God loves me :) If he doesn't, I wouldn't have so many nice friends around me (you know who you are) ;D, that backs me up in times I feel weakest and seems like collapsing which sometimes I even think I do not deserve them. But I think I should stop thinking like an ungrateful child :)
Last but not least, to my family. Each and everyone of you including Mikey are such a blessing to me that I think there's nothing I could have asked for more. But, I still have to stress that I do not remember I felt any fatherly love but it's okay :) I'm happy now at the moment with what I currently have in hands :D
This should be the 2nd time I'm blogging using 98% input from my heart and 2% from my brain. I know the idea is all around but then, I'm all around the places myself too.
When someone truly regretted, a chance is all he/she will ask for...
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