Tired of Being Too Free

I know my blog title may sound somewhat pathetic but damn... I'm really so sick of being too free. I've never been so free, as far as I'm concerned for the past 19 years of my life. Seriously, July is one hell of a slow and empty month for me and I wish I could fast forward the days so that comes August, my new life begins :) All for good, so I hope :)

Well, when I say empty... It literally means.. emptiness from within :) Like there's reli nothing that I can do to keep myself busy and on-the-go, at least for something that is worthwhile. What I do almost everyday, let me list it down...

1) Online surfing until late night like.. erm lets just call it early morning :P like 6 a.m averagely :)
2) Waking up at around 12 noon the next day... well, nothing much to be done if I were to wake up much earlier in the morning too :)
3) Helping mum to prepare lunch and dinner.
4) Sweeping and moping the floor. So free that lately I comb thru all the lazy wires around my e-corner and tie them up nicely after sorting out.
5) Blogging and more blogging
6) Watching emo dramas with my mum
7) Waiting for friends to be free for an outing
8) Checking on Mohe website almost everyday..

and I'm really dying inside thinking about these boring routines... I'm jealous of all of you who are having assignments in Uni now. VERY! :S

Actually, I've digested the one big chunk of fact that I had failed for my application to the public Uni. It's like I don't see myself anywhere in there anymore and have already set my mind clear for the next step. And I'm just waiting...

I'm in the process of moulding myself and building a strong foundation to welcome any challenges ahead of me. It's too early for me to determine my success but it's definitely time for me to pull up my socks. It's going to be a tough time for me soon, breaking out to a new world much earlier than I had expected but I guess in life, flexibility is utmost important.

Not everyone is born with that luck in their lives, achieving success with least effort. Judging my life experiences before, I do certainly belong to the group that require much more effort to excel. I'm not super smart academically the same time not a dumb blonde. I don't have a hill of wealth behind me nor is too poor to starve in the streets :P

I guess all I need to do is to add up all my small bits of qualities scattered here and there and come up with something rather than wondering why God is so unfair :) After all, we only live once. No point standing at a corner envying what others have in their lives and not take the time to make our lives for the better. How good other people may seem to be or their lives are very nice and fun to be looked at, but no matter how good and lucky they are also in the end, really has got nothing to do with us, right? Hee... We are still who we are. That's a reminder for myself :)

I always wonder why my mum keeps looking after me like I'm just 2 years old when I'm already 20 years old! I'm not saying I'm old enough to break free like a bird but then just some spaces would be good :) But it's the nature of all mothers perhaps. If I want her to look at me differently, it's not just as simple as getting more rebellious and ignorant. That will make me look even more immature, as good as just 1 year old :P So, I'm going to convince her I've grown, through my performance and attitude towards anything and everything, first and foremost.. to establish myself in my career next time :)

She's been saying that I'm too short for anything and not smart in studies enough to become someone big in life. It hurts yes it is but then maybe this could be blessing in disguise that I even want go for extra miles to prove her she's wrong! Hehe! Probably I do look too weak to her at this size of my body :P Maybe she would dwell in ease if I could marry someone rich and become an ultimate parasite but that's not me. I'll prove to her someday I'm not a good for nothing.

p/s: Lately she's been telling me Hai Uncle's niece is dating the heir of a Ladang Kelapa Sawit. Laugh my ass off*

Well, I know she loves me and I don't hate her for anything. I understand she had a very rough life herself, as a child and even after marrying my Dad. So I know she just wants the best for me but just showing me her love and care thru a more... dry way. After all, I'm a girl turning into a woman real soon and I can understand a woman's insecurities. When she had gone through all the bitterness in her life as a teen, I was still a noobshit ovum yet to be released and menempel dekat dinding uterus :P When she had bad days with my Dad, I was still the noobshit toddler that was holding Barbie on my right and Ken on my left. I'm no one to say she's a bad mother but I'm certain I just want to be a good daughter :)

I live a past that follows me like a shadow. I'll never be able to change my history. I hate it yes. I despise it yes. Yes Yes Yes!!! I met my Dad sometime ago and he aged alot. It set me thinking for a while. This guy is my Dad. The person who brought me to this world but why.. why does he look like a stranger to me today??? Why?? Why has it got to be him to ruin a big part of my life too when he could be the closest man that is supposed to pick me up whenever I fall. When I turned and walked away, tears started to well in my eyes. I wasn't too sure what were the tears for. Was it for my hatred towards him that he's being an irresponsible father or was it a sense of pitiness, for him and for myself. It was a painful feeling to see the past playing once again. I'm not sure I could ever forgive and forget. I'm not too sure...

But my present is a gift as well as tomorrow is a mystery, only myself can make a difference :)

My life will begin at where it ends..
Am I too emo again??? Hope not :)