A Motion of Passion

I'm depressed now. No doubt my new blog skin as well the blog title suggests the other way round, Cheerful Choya. :) What is ever so cheerful in Choya's life??? Some may say that I have so many people around my life that love me loads, family and friends yet why do I have to feel so crappy? True, I have friends that are awesome but then I have a family that not just they love me a heaven, but often they also doubts my ability. They always say I'm old enough to get some of my senses right but when I propose my ideas, somehow or rather the response I get is "A 20 year old girl with immature thoughts" or maybe they will think my worries and insecurities are unnecessary and simply brush me off with a one-second-response... don't worry too much.

me and some "petty issues" being brushed off....

If you ask me what have I done for myself for the past 20 years, other than always wanting the best and wanting so badly to let my loved ones to feel so proud of me that I put their feelings before myself then my life indeed has nothing else. Obviously there is no one to be blamed in this situation. It's just me myself and I being.... nice perhaps. It's just by nature it occurs.

Results of Universities Admission is out and it is mendukacitakan. I'm not sure if I have to feel happy or sad about it as... I know at the end of the day after I graduate from Uni, I won't be doing something related to it. Me going to Uni is more to like again, wanting to make my mum feel proud and happy as I CAN GO TO UNI... But then my passion lies somewhere else. And maybe I should feel happy that now I can pursue what I like now.. but then again what I like may not please my family. Should I listen to myself or to them, I'm lost.

And it's so easy to say, follow what your heart wants or fight for yourself but then it's never easy to do so. I mean it's not easy to fight in this life all alone right? Could it be true that we must always listen to the elders as they are more experienced in life and their speculations are always true?

Previously I was thinking that I made a right choice of switching altogether to courses not related to science at all in USM as I thought that my result should be okay for certain language or management subjects. Then I thought if I stayed in Penang, I can take up part time beautician course and after 14 months I can work part time while studying for some money. And I would like to save a portion of my money for my dream after 3 years in Uni. I never told any of my family members before that I'm all along interested in designing cuz since young I was taught that if you want to earn good money and a stable job, SCIENCE IS THE WAY! Engineers and doctors were very cool profession to me... THEN.

But as I ventured into science, I find that it was all exciting and interesting but it was not something that I feel it's for me. I could handle the stress but I couldn't handle the questions!!!! And I started to flunk. Each time I stared blankly into my textbooks, minutes later I found myself flipping through magazines. LOlz! I was lazy and further and further I drifted from my... studies which makes me a failure (to my mum) today.... I'm sorry.

And recently, I made up my mind on designing and I am torn between graphics & multimedia or fashion design technology. Graphics with good job prospect but I have lesser interest and fashion with 100% interest and passion but then it's a hard and rocky way to stardom. Obviously my bro said Graphics better, I know it's better but then... I like to eat Mango although I know Kiwi has more vitamins :) So I'm lost again.

I told my bro and he said, "Mmm.. Graphics is good, very good cuz there's a demand in market now. Mmm you can do it, I think the fees is ok..." bla bla bla but when I kept correcting him it was fashion and he overheard it. "No I said fashion designing..." I corrected and he went, "Hmm Good choice. Graphics is good..." and when finally he got it into his ear fashion designing he went... "HAr?? Fashion?? MAI LA. MANA OO HO!!"

I told my sis and she said maybe I'm confused with what I want in life and ask me to think properly again. But why none ask me a question I expect, "do you really want it?"

But then my mum cuts me off the most. I started a discussion with her by saying, "Mum, I have thought for a few days and maybe I should let you know what I come in conclusion? I think I like designing." :) and she went "SIGN LU EH KACHUI LA. Beh jip USM lu ki ka wa cho kang than lui liao la!!" :) I swallowed my tears. I'm strong, I'm strong.

The whole day today, I feel so depressed and discouraged. Depressed till I feel that my heart feels so numb yet my lungs want to scream out loud and my body wants to vanish and my soul shatters. And I'm so discouraged that suddenly I think my confidence and passion for designing disappeared and yea.. maybe I should just go work and continue to walk the life of my mum's ideal daughter. Suddenly it feels so good if I just never wake up again tomorrow :)

Maybe... maybe everything about fashion designing... is just a hallucination. Maybe... maybe continue pleasing others is the best for everyone. They are happy. They are proud of me. And I am... and shall continue to lose myself each and everyday. Someday I'm going to leave this world. Why bother. Who am I. Just another girl. Just another small life. Just another person that God loves :)

Goodbye my dream...

and see you another day....

Last night as I was chatting to my sis. She said something to me. "Bro and me loves you very much all this while and we always want the best for you. I don't see why you should be feeling so this way about yourself...." I love them too. But then, it's so sad that it's pointless to know how many people love you but you don't love yourself. You are not doing what you love to do in life and what is there about yourself to be loved?? To me, is nothing :)